You know that feeling when you feel like a failure, but you’re not really a failure? That’s how I have been feeling for the past two months.
In August I decided to return to school and attempt to earn a master’s degree in sports administration at Wayne State. It seemed doable even with a full-time job, and a family. It also seemed like a logical step since my passion has been sports, and I’ve never been able to crack the job market.
Around early October I realized what a colossal blunder I had made. The entire family was stressed out to the max, my two-year old was not falling asleep before 10pm, and l was slacking at both work and school.
I missed assignments, handed in hastily written papers, and zoned out during class to the point where I would miss segments of lectures. It was rough, and while my grasp of sports was serving as a crutch and keeping my head above water I realized something needed to change. My hope was that this was just first semester issues that I needed to solve, but I also needed to keep my family happy and keep my job that pays the bills.
So I decided that I would stop. I tried, it did not work, and it was over. I spoke with my professor (she taught both classes I was taking), and let her know how I was feeling. She was understanding, and tried her best to keep me with the program, but it just didn’t seem plausible anymore. We spoke about what my sports interests were, if I should transfer to Eastern (I actually was accepted and thought about it), and while she thought I would enjoy the program if I stayed, she understood.
That was it. After two classes I was done. Now what do I do?
Well, thankfully I have a decent job. I was not going back to school to help me find a job, I was going back to find a job more suited to me. While it may not be my ideal job, it has allowed myself and my family to live without worrying about paying the bills. I like my co-workers, the hours, and the flexibility. There are no questions about taking time off. Get your job done, and there will be very few questions. I like it, but I also don’t like it.
When I was in the third grade I wrote an essay, and I said that I wanted to be a sports commentator, own a condo, and drive a Lamborghini. I can live without the last two, but the desire to work in sports is still burning inside me. It pulls on me daily, but I am currently at a loss for what I should do about it.
I starting writing a sports blog again for the first time in a couple years. One of the topics I discussed with my professor at Wayne State was that my desires in sports were more sociological in nature. The aspects of sports that intrigue me the most are not box scores or highlights they are subjects like the decline of African-Americans playing baseball, Native American nicknames, publicly funded stadiums, and other topics that the average fan could care less about as long as their team is winning.
The Timid Souls is me ranting about some of these things because I do not have that avenue to vent anymore. My wife does not want to hear me talk about another group of football players who raped someone, and will get off with a slap on the wrist, but maybe someone surfing the ‘net does. The blog is a form of therapy, but it does not completely relieve me of the desire to be a part of the action.
I will figure it out soon, but right now I am fighting with myself. I realize that I am doing OK, and that I am currently in a pretty decent situation. I have a great family, and a good support system. There’s nothing physically wrong with me or my family. Things are good. They really are, I just need to realize that.